Hahaha! GOLD Moondog.
Give me a go.. This is from the perspective of a more than slightly jaded astrologist.
Aries
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically, you don't give a f##k about anyone. Most people hate you but you don't give a toss. You are the type of person that would ma******te at a wedding.
Taurus
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you are bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
Gemini
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a real f##King weirdo, the type of person that would kill himself to win a bet.
Cancer
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard that would sell a relatives limb to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
Leo
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a common garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leo's are living on welfare.
Virgo
You love the good things in life and know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bull****ting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queer and the vast majority of Virgo women are whores.
Libra
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an arsehole. For your entire life, people will make a prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. Of course, you will never know.
Scorpio
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, these are your only good traits. You end up puzzled as well to the extent that you screw small animals and love picking you nose. You always have snot on you clothes.
Sagittarius
You are the romantic type, soft hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.
Capricorn
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centred sh1t and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is most likely an altar boy.
Aquarius
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at least a transvestite. Your ideal sex partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
Pisces
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You are a prick.
