I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). AMA, please.

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Jeesus Patorick getting interviewed and an article on you in the paper is a massive step. Truely awesome mate, well done.

 

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https://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/bpd-relationships/

In addition to fearing abandonment, people with BPD are overly sensitive to rejection. They anxiously await it, see it when it isn’t there, and overreact to it whether it’s there or not. This is why small slights—or perceived small slights—can cause major messes.

People with BPD may seem as mature as any other adult in social or professional situations. But when it comes to coping with strong emotions, they can be stuck at a child’s developmental level.

Their sadness may be similar to the way a child feels at being left out by the other kids. When angry, it could be the anger of a teen, outraged at a parent’s refusal to let them attend a party. (As in, “You’re ruining my life!”) There can be a child-like ever-present vulnerability personified in Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe (both of whom had many classic BPD traits).

 

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So, in relation to last Saturday’s "Wagga’s Patrick Flynn hasn’t stepped out for a social event in more than 10 years", or “Wagga advocate shares his journey with borderline personality disorder”, I just wanted to say thank you very much to Daniel, Rochelle and Les for their time and effort with this story. And also to the ever imperfect Samantha for helping them get in touch with me (that story does not happen without her). Thanks also to all the people that read it, liked it on Facebook, commented on it and e-mailed me about it.

Just got a couple of little things to add. Mainly that my mother and sister are the most important people in the world to me. They do so much for me and I would not be where I am today in life without them, their guidance, love and support. I am so grateful to them for all the things they do and for putting up with me as much as they do.

BPD does not define who I am. It helps to explain some of the things I say and do, but there is so much more to me than my diagnosis. From Reading, Writing, Yoga and Indoor Soccer, to Rugby League, Cricket, Pro Wrestling, eBay, Lego and Transformers. I have so many hobbies, interests and pastimes. Also my dogs and best mates Foxy the Cairn Terrier and Percy the Poodle. And my sister’s tuxedo cat Billy. Also, the magpies and pee wees that come to my house each day for some more mince, good karma. They all help me in their own way each day.

Having BPD is tough. There is lots of internal fear, obligation and guilt associated with what you do, what you say and what you think. Relationships are very complicated especially with people you are very close to. The validation people with BPD get from partners, friends and family is like the greatest. Until they go away and we feel their rejection, we feel let down, abandoned, alone and afraid. I am so sorry to all the friends and ex-partners that I have hurt along they way. You still mean a lot to me no matter how distant we are. I am nowhere near perfect, I have manipulated, emotionally taken advantage of people, said and done terrible cowardly things to people that I cannot ever take back. I cannot excuse my bad behaviours because of BPD but I can be mindful of the hurt that I caused and the emotional misregulation that went into it. And also that life is not about what I want. I cannot help anyone. All I can do to advocate is set the best possible example that I can for other people out there with mental health issues. There is only so much that I can say to advocate for mental health awareness, but there are so many positive things that I can keep doing. Such as not drinking any alcohol, not taking recreational non-prescription drugs (self-medicating), not smoking cigarettes, not gambling, having regular check ups with my doctors, taking my medication each day, not having unfaithful promiscuous intimacy outside of established relationships, exercising more regularly, participating in various sports and activities, respecting other people, hugging people more (more hug, less drugs), not telling inappropriate jokes, not expecting anything from anyone, listening more, making eye contact when speaking to people and promoting Embrace more (Wagga, 6pm, Romanos, first Thursday of each month). Just trying to the best person I can be, someone that people are comfortable with, that they feel safe around, that is based in reality and does not let delusional thoughts cloud over everything.

I’m working a lot on a lot of other things too, like not binge eating on junk food every night, not judging (accepting) people that do the things I don’t, drinking less coffee, sleeping better, meditating more, exercising more effectively, watching less adult entertainment, spending less time on the computer, not taking people for granted, walking more (with the dogs) and not desperately flirting with (and objectifying) every single beautiful woman I meet (without an engagement or wedding ring). I still have a long way to go.
Embrace has really helped me reconnect with the community and other wonderful groups such as the Rainbow Riverina (@PFLAGWaggaNSW), Ignite Mentoring, Potowa Buddhist Group, St Vincent de Paul, GROW, Best Friends Pet Rescue and the Riverina Blue Bell. Was sitting at a BBQ table at the Wagga beach a few Saturdays ago with some people thinking “this is so great and unreal, I can’t believe this is happening”. Hugging, laughing, friendly joking, relaxing and just enjoying each others company. That is what life should be all about: accepting other people for who they are, loving who they are and being as compassionate as you can to whatever issues they may have. You don’t have to go to the pub for that.

My advice if you are having any mental health worries or issues? Just try to be busy and active during the day and at night. Occupy yourself either with reading, television, music, pets, collectables or whatever your coping mechanisms are. Whatever makes you happy (and doesn't have a negative impact on those around you). Try to keep things in perspective: life is not perfect. People make mistakes, no matter who they are. Bad things happen. Enjoy your successes, but pace yourself and don't get too far ahead of yourself. You can only do so much. Just because you feel some people really don't like you, they probably don't hate you as much as you think they do. Just because you feel that someone likes you, hey they might to a degree, but they realistically probably don't like you as much as you think they do.

Anyway, with Embrace and my blog, my aim is to share my experiences positive and negative as much as possible to raise awareness in my community to mental health issues in general. Reduce the stigma and increase the understanding. By encouraging others to be open, honest and safe we can help misunderstood people get extra support and make it a bit easier for those diagnosed with it to deal with it more effectively. I am still learning how to deal with emotions, feelings, dramas and conflicts more effectively. If you have BPD or know someone who does, please read my blog and feel free to ask me anything. I will do my best to answer whatever questions or comments you have as quickly and mindfully as possible. I’m not the only person in this town with this, it affects all sorts of different people. I will respect your privacy if you wish to contact me privately.

Later,

Pat.

[email protected]

http://stores.ebay.com.au/patorick

http://forums.leagueunlimited.com/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama.461654/

https://silvertails.net/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama-please.51172/

PS: So many Wagga people do not read the DA (even people who work at newsagents) or even watch the local news on TV. Please read the local news more, even if it’s just on the website. The DA is a very important part of our local community and we need to support it more. Yes some of the letters are out there, but at least these people are taking the time to write in (no matter how totally wrong I feel that they are).

 

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https://themighty.com/2017/04/positive-traits-of-bpd/

The Positive Traits I Have Because of My BPD

By Nade Franklin
(I write about Borderline Personality Disorder)

April 19, 2017

When we think of mental illness, we often tend to get dragged down by the idea it’s all bad. That’s not always the case. We are allowed to be happy sometimes, we love unconditionally and we do even laugh. Disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD) are no exception. In fact, there are even some very positive traits to come out of it.

People with BPD are often described as “manipulative” and “toxic,” which is something I, and I’m sure many others, find highly offensive and can be very damaging to hear — especially from professionals. Yes, some people with the condition might have manipulative traits, but so might someone else without. That being said, I believe people with BPD can be among the most caring, empathic and compassionate people you will meet. For example, having experienced such intense sadness and pain gives me a great knowledge and understanding of the people around me. I want to help and share my knowledge, and being as intuitive as borderlines tend to be, I pick up on emotions easily. Yes, the unbearable sadness is a bummer, but what comes from it is beautiful and for me, it’s so important to channel those feelings into helping others and being an all-around good person.

The excitement I may feel about something as small as remembering the chocolate cake I’ve been saving in the fridge can make me feel like I am bursting at the seams and bouncing off the walls. The love I can feel for my pets, partners, family and friends make me feel like I am floating on a cloud. Yes, many people with BPD have abandonment and attachment issues that can cause a lot of problems with relationships, but catch me on a good day and I am full of love I only want to share. Something made you chuckle? I’m probably on the floor in hysterics laughing because this feeling of complete euphoria needs to present itself in one way or another.

Of course, as we know, it’s not all jazz hands and confetti all the time. In fact, these feelings of euphoria usually only last a short amount of time and can be overshadowed by the bad. But it’s so important to hold on to these feelings and remember we are capable of happiness, even if it is just for 20 minutes before the inevitable crash.

Passion is a huge positive trait of BPD. For me, it’s what keeps me going. It gets me out of bed in the morning. I am probably one of the most passionate people you will meet. Talk to me about musical theatre and you’ll have me rambling for hours — it’s like a release.

If you can tap into someone’s passion and show an interest, you will instantly see their face light up, their eyes widen and their smile grow as they talk about that one thing in their life that is “OK.” I’ve been told by many different people as soon as I’m in the vicinity of a theatre, whether it be to perform or to watch a show, I can become a different person — a better version of myself. That’s because it is my one constant, it’s safe and familiar. Of course, there are so many things to be passionate about in the world: people, TV shows, music, cars, makeup, animals. I believe if you know someone with BPD, there will be something they are passionate about. And if you ask them about it, you might just make their day.

I consider myself a very creative person. I like to sing, act, craft, paint — the list goes on! Many people with BPD are creative. Sometimes it’s something those who are lucky enough to access therapy come to learn, that any kind of creativity can be very mindful and aid in recovery. In other circumstances, it’s instilled in their makeup as a person. Personally, I have always been creative. As a child, I was always making something and getting busy with glue sticks and glitter. People with BPD often have creative outlets and excel in them!

I am currently on a waiting list to start a group therapy course called “Therapy Through Activity,” under a team specializing in personality disorders. In this two-year program, patients get the chance to learn new skills — often artistic — while exploring their emotions. This “unorthodox” method of therapy has proven very successful in patients with BPD (among other personality disorders) and I’m really excited to get started.

Those of us with BPD are not scary, nor are we horrible people. We are just a little more in tune with our emotions (maybe a little too much sometimes!) and we can, in fact, make very loyal, understanding, spontaneous, loving, funny and passionate friends.

https://themighty.com/2017/04/positive-traits-of-bpd/

 

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http://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2012/07/open-letter-to-non-bpds-from-those-of.html

An Open Letter From those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder:

Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder,

You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. It's not your fault. You are not the cause of our suffering. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. But it's not your fault. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready.
It is possible that something that you said or did "triggered" us. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, that's not always possible, and it's not always clear why something sets off a trigger.

The mind is very complex. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didn't feel safe, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat -- a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.)

But please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior, we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation.

This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we don't have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways.

We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience "burn out" from worrying about us and the repeated behavior.

Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better.

These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving.

One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of being abandoned, and we therefore (often unconsciously) sometimes behave in extreme, frantic ways to avoid this from happening. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic.

Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them - deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. We may avoid you, not answer calls, and decline invitations to be around you -- and other times, all we want to do is be around you.

This is called splitting, and it's part of the disorder. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. We're not saying it's "right." We can work through this destructive pattern and learn how to be healthier in the context of relationships. It just doesn't come naturally to us. It will take time and a lot of effort.

It's difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you don't have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you.

In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are. You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group - dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? It's as if we haven't outgrown that.

Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how we've gotten our nickname of "chameleons." Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It's that extreme.

For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. We haven't outgrown this.

Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. We can't imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. Again - this is NOT your fault.

The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that "this too shall pass" and practice DBT skills - especially self-soothing - things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness. It's smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on.

On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. It's important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This is just another manifestation of BPD.

We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims.

Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we do not become out of control. We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstances...and we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you.

Another thing you may have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces. This is called dissociation. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better.

But, what about you?

If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too.

Here are some ideas:
- Remind yourself that the person's behavior isn't your fault
- Tap into your compassion for the person's suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering
- Do things to take care of YOU. On the resources page of this blog, there is a wealth of information on books, workbooks, CDs, movies, etc. for you to understand this disorder and take care of yourself. Be sure to check it out!
- In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath -- whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted.
- Ask questions. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD.
- Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident

Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have.

This is my second year in DBT. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed.

My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved one's condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road.

I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. Hope can be returned. A normal life can be had. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you don't give up. I wish you peace.

Thank you for reading.

http://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2012/07/open-letter-to-non-bpds-from-those-of.html

 

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